In this modern world, our society is individualistic. Meaning? They value their own happiness. Their self-happiness comes first, then others. It may sound selfish but it may sound the opposite, it depends to other people. I just learnt this term and the definition during a lecture on divorce in Family Law. However, my mind started to ponder upon something quite different than divorce.
I struggled with my body image since I was very young. It started when I had this small grain-liked acnes on my forehead, when I was 10. I haven’t reach puberty yet and it was frustrating to me that this unfamiliar kind of situation was happening on my face. Like hello police, who gave this squatters the permission to reside on my forehead? I tried everything possible to get rid of it, I would pluck each and everyone of it until it bleeds and cried my eyes out in front of the bathroom’s mirror asking myself why do I look so hideous. I wouldn’t have felt like that if it’s not the teachers who asked me ‘kuat berangan ye zethy (such a daydreamer you are zethy)’ or my friends would come to me and teased me ‘nuclear bomb! your zits looking like they are going to explode!!’ in front of the classroom. For an 11 year old, I kept blaming myself. I kept seeing myself as a beast.
On top of that, I struggled with my bodyweight, I was quite plump, relatively to the small, thin, athletic young adults. The fact that I was short making it look like an obese Doby (you know the one from Harry Potter). I was bullied by almost everyone, including a male teacher who shouted to me ‘tong gas!’ when I performed an outdoor activity of flying fox. I had boys making fun of me and called me ‘perempuan gemuk’ (Fat Girl), several times a day, five days a week. I hadn’t had a lot of support back then, I starved myself every night only requesting a plate of fruits from my mom for almost a year during my final year of primary school.
It affected me, a lot. I have never felt confident enough to take photos. I hated looking at myself. I was resentful to others by the time I was thirteen. Entering high school helped fulfil my revenge. The new environment, bullies and forced sports activities made me lose weight fast. It was compulsory for us to do physical exercise particularly jogging every evening. Seniors were eating small portion for dinners, so do we. I hated the cafeteria, so I starved myself during my morning breaks and just drink water to avoid the grumbling sound in my tummy. Every time I took my evening shower, I slowly realised a part of me was changing. Slowly, my revenge cup was filling. I was proud when I showed my friend that I have changed. The ‘tong gas’ Zethy wasn’t there anymore.
But my face wasn’t improving. From my forehead, my acne worsen on my cheeks, then to my back. It was painful. Especially when it’s scorching hot back in Malaysia, the acne starts to redden and makes you feel very itchy and irritated. It bleeds, sometimes the blood stain were hard to washed from my upper backside of my baju kurung uniform. Everyone kept having suggestion on how to improve my condition, wear this wear that. To an extent, Ibu brought me to a dermatologist just to find out that the medication she gave wasn’t actually helping my skin to improve. I gave up. I gave up whilst having to witness my friends grew into beautiful, fair and flawless young women. Ibu prohibit me eating a long list of food, one includes junk food and the rebellious me questioned her. Not because I was DYING to eat snacks but I know by heart that a bedmate of mine consumed only boxed milo drinks and eat pringles every single day and she does not have a single breakout on her face. HOW IS THAT EVEN FAIR AND POSSIBLE?
Finished high school, I kept gaining all these nightmares weight back again. Maybe it was lack of forced physical activities, but currently, I am overweight. It became worse when I was in A Levels where I consumed the instant pre-packed Nescafe which contained high sugar level almost everyday. I did that to make me stay awake to revise. I binged eating. I kept eating things that are easy, cheap and filling. That was what matters as a student. When I came to the UK, a 10 more kilos of fat came back to me when I was stressful with my extracurricular activities during my second year. The society’s judgment never fail to follow me around with ‘you must be prettier if you’re thinner’ or ‘no one wants a fat future wife like you’. Those words hit me hard and I realised that I’m done doing this for others.
I’m tired of proving to other people that I need to have a spotless face or a beautiful beach body. After a life long of bully, I realised that paying back my revenge to others is a toxic trait because it will be a never ending cycle. A few months ago, I asked myself, what is my purpose of losing weight. It is so easy to cloud my aim with ‘a thin and acceptable size for my Malaysian community’ but I know that it is best to lose weight and have a well-conditioned body for health purposes.
I’m still new in this ‘fit-for-healthy’ kinda movement but I guess I’m on track. Let’s pray to Allah that whatever condition or state I am in, I am, firstly or most importantly, healthy.
Concluding about self-happiness, some might say ‘let me be, whats your business if I’m fat or thin’. It is. Solely on health matters. If you are having diabetes or cardiac failure, you are using tax payers money to undergo treatments and medication. So live healthy. Live healthy to see yourself being able to go to your son\’s graduation without any medical assistance, live healthy to be able to go to pilgrimage without the aid of a wheelchair. That is a true sense of happiness. Not the acceptance of what society deems to be acceptable.
If you struggle with your body image, know that you are not alone. We can be friends, hihi.